Where the Happily Ever Afters Are Always In Color

Tag Archives: fears

 Day 308

05.10.2011

So, I eat my feelings. I feel like by admitting that I’m one step away from the biggest loser or a 1800 Get Thin Commercial, but I’m not. But I will tell you want I am. I am technically obese. It’s a dirty word, but going by scales and charts, that’s what I am. I’m what I like to call a Functioning Fatty, which I think a lot of people are. My weight has only made me more social, but my social skills don’t stop me from breathing heavy as I walk up stairs or sweating whenever I hear the word hot

It’s Tuesday, which is the perfect day to write this. Sunday I go to weight watchers. Monday I work out and eat healthy. Tuesday I fall off the wagon. I blame this on my short term memory loss, but the truth is, I eat my feelings. All the emotions you have to dig up to create a story worth telling make me impossible to live with. I have no idea how most writers don’t suffer from severe depression. I do and that’s coupled with the ADHD I think I’ve mentioned a few times here and there.  And with that comes the need to eat my way through ups and downs. Again I share this because my life affects my writing life. I’ll tell you how.

While waiting to hear back on the submission of Better Off Red, I gained 30 lbs. It was a relatively short period of time. I have been a  varying weight on the curvy to heavy meter since I was 6, but this was first time in my life I noticed the weight gain. My dude noticed too. Don’t worry he was nice about it, but when I screamed “30 fucking pounds” he didn’t do that annoying “What are you talking about?” thing which I appreciated. This big girl hates sugar coating (get it). I have been this heavy before. When I first moved to LA and discovered the magic that is Craft Service, I climbed to my all time max weight. I am 2 pounds away from that now.

I see a lot of girls and women my size, every day and many of them are very beautiful. I do not see this when I see myself at a distance. Up close in that avatar sized box that is my face, I know I’m not unfortunate. I’m not Paula Patton (Paula Patton is fine), but I know I’m not a troll. I hate my body. My dude loves it, but knowing that I hate it he does almost as well as my father does at never mentioning my weight ever. I see bulges and rolls and I hate them.

The vanity is one issue, but here’s the other. I have gained 5 pounds since I started writing The Fling, which is HILARIOUS because the love interest is a trainer. I have to write more books and I have to spend MANY more hours sitting on my ass. If I gain 30lbs per book which is very very possible, I will be in big trouble in short order. For in the first time in my life I have to lose weight so I don’t eat myself into a heart attack. This is sobering, but then there’s that short term memory loss and that hilarious depression…

So it’s Tuesday. I read a book that ripped my heart out last night and had me up to 3 this morning. I have to write today and of course I don’t want to work out. Plus Dude is working from home and Chinese food is like a chaser to burgers for him. Luckily I’m meeting with my bestie’s trainer today ask her some questions for The Fling. Hopefully that will keep me on the wagon for a few more hours. We’ll see.

(Read this last night and another part of me will never be the same. I HIGHLY recommend. )

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 Day 42

08.16.2010

A particular agency states on their website that email queries are, from time to time, lost/bounced back if they are sent from a – we’ll call it a “sketchy”- email address. They recommend that you resend your query if you haven’t heard back from them in a certain amount of time, as it may have been lost/kicked back by their spam blocking system.

My fear on this Monday morning: I build up the proper level of anxiety waiting for this period of time to run out (exactly 3 weeks from today), resend and the very same day I receive a rejection for the initial query. Additional horror would come if they rejected the resend as I suspect they would.

In other news, wedding #2 was amazing even though Bridesmaid #4 fainted in the third quarter of the ceremony. She was quickly whisked to safety and the vows were completed. We all made it to the reception and the THREE after parties in one piece. My toast was well received even though my voice carries the silken tones of a very seductive man and then I was actually handed the bouquet by the bride in front of all the guests to eliminate any possible dance floor injuries (I didn’t want the bouquet, but a disabled woman was taken out last year during the bouquet toss at another friends wedding).

No one laughed in my face, I repeat, IN MY FACE, when I told them I was writing romance novels for the foreseeable future. The bride and Bridesmaid #2 actually gave me all sorts of fun bits on being in Alpha Delta Pi and offered to help me with my research for Book #2. Sleeping in SPANX isn’t as bad as it sounds and I will never fly United Airlines again. If you haven’t discovered the joys of SPANX, please visit their website.

The bride and groom danced their first dance to…

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